Eyes Wide Open

One can spend most of her life studying and learn so little compared to what experience will teach her. It seems to me that God always chooses to teach me when I'm not looking for a lesson. Recently my husband and I led a group of college students on a trip to Arlington, Texas. I planned and organized for the team, something I really enjoyed. Organizing has always been a secret passion of mine, and teaching has really fine-tuned my skill. That being said, I have always acknowledged the fact that administration is not a spiritual gift of mine. Perhaps, running a classroom successfully had fooled me into thinking that I could manage people, but there are so many things that are different in that situation. The classroom is a controlled environment, in which I am the only adult and students must submit to my authority, I am clearly heads above them in knowledge and understanding, but, more importantly, I am aware of their sensitivity and the difference between when they are learning a tough lesson and when they are going to simply be crushed. In the classroom, I am in the zone. It is my sweet spot; I have the edge.

So, in Arlington, I took charge, made plans, and crushed spirits. It wasn't intentional, nor was I aware of it while committing the treachery. I had just taken such great efforts to plan and prepare for this trip that I felt others should recognize that I had things other control. Someone would make a suggestion, and I, being so full of pride, would be insulted that the person doing so had not trusted my plans. The problem is that I hate to be doubted. Soon, I realized I had made a few of the sweet young college women afraid to say anything to me. Looking into their faces I would see looks of sheer intimidation and discomfort. So, what do you do when you don't like what you're seeing in the mirror? 


1. Identify the problem. I had to figure out why I was demeaning these sweet girls with my quick-tempered tongue lashing. I had stepped outside of my gifts. Being in charge is quite a far stretch from my true abilities, which lie among service and compassion.
2.Admit that you've failed. I had to swallow my pride, look those girls in the eyes and say, "I was wrong." I attempted to explain why I had been rude and asked for their forgiveness. It wasn't fun, but it was necessary. Because simply admitting to yourself that your wrong, accomplishes much less than letting others know that you see what they see.
3. Ask God to make you better. I thanked Him for teaching me through the situation and began drowning myself in His word in search of what more I could gain from this period of great weakness. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 
4. Learn from it.  So, does this mean I can never lead a trip again or organize an event for the college students I so treasure? Of course not! In fact, it has already been requested that I apply some of that organizational prowess to future events. However, I now know that when administering something, there are some considerations that must be made.

• I must rely more on my mate. My husband is excellent at administration and a lot better at holding his tongue than he gets credit for. He was there by my side throughout this horrible experience, and I took all of the responsibility upon myself, leaving him to do the heavy lifting and nightly runs for ice. 
• I have to be aware of my limits. Knowing that I'm stepping into a territory where I am not a natural, I should always lean on God. I prayed for this trip...for the students, the work we would do, the things we would learn, the people we would meet.... I never prayed that God would be in control or that He would enable me to be a good leader. I took for granted that it was a big deal. 
• I need to daily bathe myself in light. The hardest, busiest times of life are those in which we most need time in the Word of our Creator, the one who has made us and given us instructions to live by.