Can parents still be lovers?

What a long, exciting year of discovery it has been in the Wallace household: 2012, the year of the baby. There have been many things that I have learned and pondered, but I guess I was too busy napping or snacking or planning to write them down. Ah, parenthood. You thought it began when the baby was born, but, no, we found it really started the first moment we saw that tiny heart flickering on a black and white screen. So, while there are many things I would have liked to share (read: should have sat down and written) this year, I'm going to start today with what is on my mind today.

Have you ever watched Wife Swap? This television program chooses two women who are basically polar opposites and has them swap homes/families/lives for a period of time. I don't know why it intrigues me, but it's one of those things I will always stop for when flipping channels. I haven't seen the show in a long time, probably a year or more, but maternity leave has found me channel surfing a bit more than normal. (Not that I spend my whole day watching TV, but, seriously, you can't accomplish much else when nursing someone who can't yet hold up his own head.) So, in an episode that I saw yesterday there were many, vast differences between the two families, but one MAJOR issue caught my attention.
     Couple A thought that their marital relationship was more important than their role as parents. This manifested in them spending more time recreationally together than with his son (her stepson), attempts to force their own interests upon him rather than help him develop interests of his own, and basically a pattern of 'my spouse matters more to me than my child'.  The husband actually stated that he was making his own childhood dreams come true and his son could find a way to do the same for himself.
     Couple B prioritized the success of their children (really, their one, hip hop star nine year old, not all 5 of their children) over the health of their own relationship. They spent more time working to pay for the pursuit of "his dream", they stated that the children's dreams (again, the child's dreams) were more important than their own, and they didn't appear to have much interaction with one another at all.
     Of course, when the two wives swapped places, chaos ensued. The two husbands were most upset by the whole thing.

The problem is, I think they're both wrong. I've long believed that the modern parent has an unfortunate tendency toward putting children first, above themselves, above their spouses, and above sanity. Now, just to be clear, I don't think that the marital relationship should be overemphasized above the responsibilities of parenthood either. It's just that there has to be balance. That said, here is my thesis:

The role of spouse is not more important than the role of parent,
but the health of the marriage relationship is an essential element to successful parenting. 

You see, people tend to think you sometimes have to choose spouse or children, but I say you should never choose. Our families should be built on well-balanced, God-centered relationships. This means we love our spouses and make a point to spend quality time with them, AND we love our children and spend a reasonable amount of time on/with them. When children see their parents engaged in a loving, healthy relationship, it teaches them what relationships are and how to have them. Furthermore, when they realize that their parents can't/won't Always prioritize them above all else it teaches them about the realities of life: humility, sacrifice, balance, . .

Being parents together truly provides us with new things to learn and love about each other, gives us new ways to grow together, and validates our marriages in a way that few other things can. If we approach parenthood as a team, as a part of our lives that offers new opportunities to glorify God, support one another, and become better versions of ourselves, we already have a better chance of doing it right. Loving each other well should not take away from the care of our children; rather, it allows our children to have better, happier parents.

To the Single Ladies: You may think this doesn't apply to you, but, being a Girl Scout, I'm always inclined to err on the side of preparation. It's far better to consider these things before they are your present reality. 
To those who have been married longer, had children longer, have more children, etc.: If you're thinking, Sure, talk to me in a few years and we'll see what you think, I ask that you prayerfully think on the questions below and reflect before commenting. I'm not saying that balancing marriage and parenthood is easy. My mama didn't raise no fool. I'm saying, we should all take time to think about what our priorities are and how they effect us, our children, and the perception others have of our God.  

I guarantee that healthy marriages and (emotionally and mentally) healthy children are most often found in the same households. 

I'll end with some questions to ponder, and I hope that you will think them over...

• Was the prospect of having children the reason that you got married or was being in love with one another what led to having children? 
• How can we teach our children that God's kingdom is more important than anything else if what our actions show them is that they are more important than anything? 
• When your child starts out into the world on his/her own what do you want him/her to believe about love and marriage? 

and justice for all

I teach in a middle school, and if there's one thing I have learned, it's this: Adolescents crave justice. They want everything to be fair. Of course, their ideas about fairness don't always align with ours. What they believe is fair is sometimes wrong. They can't see the big picture and they may not be able to see beyond their own feelings, but they want justice. Whether they know how to define it or not is another question. Do you? 


You know when you feel mistreated. You know when someone slights you. Justice must be served! Unfortunately, I frequently encounter adults who have never 'grown out' of this foolhardy pursuit of justice... those who have not learned to forsake themselves. 


I'll let you in on a little secret. Inside a school, the backbiting, gossip, and cliques can be just as bad in the teachers' lounge as they are in the lunchroom. 


Once upon a time I was working in a school where all teachers were arbitrarily divided into teams and given tasks to work toward a common goal. Each team was responsible for creating one display case or bulletin board to show what their team was accomplishing. Although some discussion had taken place regarding which bulletin board would be used by each team, no definitive list had been created. Therefore, when my team was ready to move forward and no one else had taken the prime posting space, we employed a bulletin board outside the cafeteria which had basically been unused for two months. 


One week later, at the next regularly scheduled faculty meeting, a member of another team approached me about the bulletin board. She seemed offended, outraged, and just plain mad. That was their bulletin board we used. I apologized and offered to move our things. She insisted that she didn't want that. We had worked hard and should leave our board as it was. However, she continued to move around the room, having loud discussions with other key faculty members about this situation. 


Now, personally, I thought the whole thing was ridiculous, but, in order to avoid further discord among my coworkers, I moved our display to a smaller bulletin board in a much less-traveled area of the school. When I met with my team again I informed them that I had moved our display and the issue was resolved. Some of them rolled their eyes. Others laughed. They asked me why I had bothered. I told them I just didn't want to be the cause of dissension. They laughed it off, shook their heads, and moved on. 


Two weeks passed between faculty meetings. It was time for teams to report on progress. The bulletin board was still blank, but when that team stood to report the speaker said, 'We would have posted this already but someone took our bulletin board, so if they would be so nice as to move their stuff we will get that up soon.' Now, truthfully, I had a strong urge to declare loudly to the faculty at large, THE BULLETIN BOARD HAS BEEN BLANK FOR TEN DAYS!! Instead I simply shook my head at my team members who were all whispering questions and raising eyebrows in my direction. 


Although it would have assuaged our feelings of injustice, irritation, and embarrassment to stand up and set everyone straight on the bulletin board issue, it would not have served to honor anyone, certainly not God. And although this is a silly example of justice and not really an example of suffering at all, it is exactly the kind of situation one might encounter that provides an opportunity to make an important choice for the glory of God in her daily life. Because sharing the gospel is accomplished through discussion and service and many other things, but it's often shown best by living a life that consistently imitates Christ.


While reading 1 Peter tonight, I hovered over verses 18 through 21 of chapter 2. "...For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God..." I'd like you to consider a possible application of this bit of scripture. 


While the chapter goes on to discuss suffering for Christ's sake and His name, this particular passage is about slaves with harsh masters. It says that if one is "conscious of God," because he knows God, he should be willing to suffer poor treatment although he has done nothing wrong. Why? Because Christ set that example. Because it glorifies God. Because how we are perceived as believers is more important than our circumstances being fair. 


What is fair, anyway? Fair would be us receiving punishment for our every sin. Praise God that life is Not Fair! 

Generous Spirit

^{John 15
12} “This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends. ¹⁴ You are My friends if you do what I command you. ¹⁵ No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. ¹⁶ You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you. ¹⁷ This I command you, that you love one another.


Lately, I've been thinking a lot about generosity. Although it isn't mentioned specifically in Galatians 5, it is certainly IN THE BIBLE. In a recent sermon on the topic, my pastor shared this: This issue of generosity is mentioned 2285 times in the Bible; hope is mentioned 185 times, faith 246 times, love 733 times; generosity: 2285 times. What does that tell you? It tells you this is important. All of that said, how many people misunderstand or dismiss generosity as an essential part of a Christian life? 


Generosity has nothing to do with what you have or receive and everything to do with what you give. 
Of love, you may say they are hateful, they don't deserve my love. 
           Jesus said love them as I have loved you. 
                      and love them like you love yourself. (I've expanded on this before.)
Of kindness, you may say they are selfish,
            but saying this makes us selfish. Paul said we should do
            nothing from selfishness. (see Phil 2 below)
Of money, you may say you have none to spare.
            "I am afraid that the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare."
              –C.S. Lewis (Mark 12:41-44)


Philippians 2
 ¹ Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, ² make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. ³ Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; ⁴ do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. ⁵ Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, ⁶ who, although He existed in the form of God,did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, ⁷ but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. ⁸ Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. ⁹ For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, ¹⁰ so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, ¹¹ and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
              
We mustn't measure our decisions based on how they will affect us but on how they glorify God and build His kingdom. 
   Give generously.
   Love freely.
   Show kindness always.
   Do all of this with humility.
^{Matthew 5:16} Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.


Convenience is not a factor to be considered in the pursuit of generosity, and the generous spirit does not think of what it can gain. 

Tough Stuff

Romans 8  

⁵ For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. ⁶ For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace, ⁷ because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able to do so, ⁸ and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

Isaiah 40

⁵ Then the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
And all flesh will see it together;
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”
⁶ A voice says, “Call out.”
Then he answered, “What shall I call out?”
All flesh is grass, and all its loveliness is like the flower of the field.
⁷ The grass withers, the flower fades,
When the breath of the LORD blows upon it;
Surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers, the flower fades,
But the word of our God stands forever.

1 Peter 2

 ¹ Therefore, putting aside all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander, ² like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, ³ if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord. . . 

 ¹¹ Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul. ¹² Keep your behavior excellent among the Gentiles, so that in the thing in which they slander you as evildoers, they may because of your good deeds, as they observe them, glorify God in the day of visitation.

Sin is comfortable. It's easy. It requires no real effort, no sacrifice, no thought, and no courage. Sin is what happens when we give up, don't care, become bitter or angry, or allow ourselves to just be and not choose. We don't realize that we're falling into a pattern, establishing a way of life. All we think about is here, now, this is what I want to do. We live so far from righteousness that we can not see it clearly; we do not know what it is. But, everything can change, if we stop, turn around, and seek God. It's far more than changing behaviors; it's about changing our hearts.

Consider this: I don't think about what I eat. Whatever is convenient, whatever is cheap, whatever I am accustomed to is what I eat. I never exercise because that requires planning and work. What happens? I get fat. My health suffers. It's a slow process; I come to live in fat . The moment I eat the doughnut I may feel momentary guilt (or maybe not) but there's no clear indicator that my health or weight is changing. What happens is a day comes when I look in the mirror and see a fat, disgusting person who is not who I wanted to be. Healthy is so far away I don't know how to reach it or maybe I don't think it's possible. But everything can change, if I stop, turn around, and seek a healthy life. I can't just adjust my behavior until I feel better though. I have to change my focus, my way of thinking, my desires.

            Either that or I die. 

Acts 2

³⁸ Peter said to them, “Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5

 ²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

New American Standard Bible (NASB) from http://www.biblegateway.com/

When a Man Loves a Woman

Sometimes you will do everything right. You'll be a great wife, but your man will still hurt you. He'll be cranky or bitter or feeling prideful, or simply just acting like a man; he'll say something careless; and your feelings will be unwittingly smashed to bits.

One common reason for this is financial insecurity. Men want to provide for their families. They want to feel successful, know they are bringing home the bacon, and make sure their wives don't have to worry about the bills getting paid. Don't fault them for this behavior; God created them to be that way. Though they may not always handle the responsibility well, they are simply seeking to be what they are called to be- heads of their homes.

Another frequent catalyst is injured ego. I can't stress enough how many times the Bible says, Wives, respect your husbands. God commands it because he formed us and he knows what makes us tick. Men get their feelings hurt too, but it happens in a different way. When they feel embarrassed, ignored, insulted, or trespassed upon, they will often lash out.

There are many reasons why a person might unintentionally hurt the one they love, and while these two examples represent a large number of male indiscretions, they are certainly not the only ones. That being said, let's talk about what to do when your sweet thing acts like anything but.


Typical reactions and why they're wrong: 
Talking back/arguing- It never solves any problem. You may feel better for a moment, but all you've accomplished is aggravating the situation.
Crying- Sometimes this may be unavoidable, but here's a secret: When your man sees you are miserable, especially when he knows he caused it, he feels more miserable than before. You may not be able to see it because they usually demonstrate miserable differently than we do, but it is true. So, if you must cry in these situations, don't do it in front of him.
Discussing- Most men need time to cool down or refocus before they can talk about the conflict. If you start trying to talk it out too quickly you may cause him to become  more agitated.
Silent Treatment- While a little bit of quiet time may be beneficial, shutting your man out completely is, let's face it, childish. You're going to frustrate and alienate with this tactic.
Complaining- Telling other girls about "how unbearable he is" is counterproductive. Don't badmouth your husband. Ever. It's a sin. PERIOD


Positive reactions and how they help: 
Pray- Pray for your husband selflessly and your pain and anger melt away. (This is true when you pray for anyone, by the way.) Pray for him because he needs it and because you do.
Get some space- Take a walk, a bath, or a nap. Clean something. Write, paint, or play music. Exercise. Do whatever you can do to work off your frustration and give your man room to breathe.
Have the discussion with yourself- Sometimes writing down or saying to yourself what you want to say him helps you filter. It gives you a chance to hear what it is that you're saying. Furthermore, it gives you  an opportunity to think about what you're implying.
Wait until he is ready to talk- Hard as it may be, you need to wait for him to initiate the conversation. Now, if time has passed and he is clearly trying to pretend it didn't happen, carefully decide whether to bring it up or let it go. It may be better to wait until another time to talk to him about this behavior in general terms. (i.e. Instead of "You were really mean to me last night." try "I feel ____ when you __.")
Enlist support. Have one or two strong Christian women who pray for you and your marriage all of the time. That way, when you have a situation, you can call them up and say 'I need you to pray for me' without the need to go into the gory details. See, it's okay and good to talk to another woman about your concerns and struggles, but it's terrible to only ever talk about your husband's faults, and it's rotten to spill the private details of your marriage relationship.

Questions and protests welcome. Hope this edifies you.

All the Single Ladies

I had a revelation today on the drive home from work. Matt was the first person I ever began dating because we both cared about each other and enjoyed being together. Every other dating relationship previous to him was started due to a desire for personal attention or in order to avoid being alone. But with my beloved, I grew to love him, could no longer imagine not being with him, and did the only thing that made sense anymore. So, to the question of How do you know he's the one? I now have an answer, though I know it's not the only one.

You know he's the one when...
          -It seems wrong to Not be with him.

See, it's not about comparing this guy to other guys or to the elusive Mr. Right. You know you're with the one, when you don't want to imagine your life without him anymore, and you know that you're willing to work things out with him when it gets hard.

Just a few words. Hope it's inspirational. KW

Back to Business

April this year was really busy for me. I turned the calendar one day and realized it was summer. Mid-June we decided to move from Mississippi to North Carolina, and suddenly it's September. It's true, I guess, that the years do pass by more quickly the older you get. Was it really nine months ago that I started this blog? . . .and five months ago that I updated? 


Well, the summer was a great time of reflection for me. My awesome friend Chesed reminded me how important it is to look back at your life and think about what God has taught you through the trials of life. I realized some lessons learned were only possible because of hard times I have endured. These lessons have improved my character and, furthermore, been the knowledge upon which later lessons were learned. 


There are a lot of things I learned over these last five months that I want to share with you, so I'm making a declaration here and now that I WILL POST ONCE A WEEK, starting now. Questions and comments keep me motivated, so tell me what you think (even if it disagrees with what I write) and share the blog with your friends! :) Here we go again...