When a Man Loves a Woman

Sometimes you will do everything right. You'll be a great wife, but your man will still hurt you. He'll be cranky or bitter or feeling prideful, or simply just acting like a man; he'll say something careless; and your feelings will be unwittingly smashed to bits.

One common reason for this is financial insecurity. Men want to provide for their families. They want to feel successful, know they are bringing home the bacon, and make sure their wives don't have to worry about the bills getting paid. Don't fault them for this behavior; God created them to be that way. Though they may not always handle the responsibility well, they are simply seeking to be what they are called to be- heads of their homes.

Another frequent catalyst is injured ego. I can't stress enough how many times the Bible says, Wives, respect your husbands. God commands it because he formed us and he knows what makes us tick. Men get their feelings hurt too, but it happens in a different way. When they feel embarrassed, ignored, insulted, or trespassed upon, they will often lash out.

There are many reasons why a person might unintentionally hurt the one they love, and while these two examples represent a large number of male indiscretions, they are certainly not the only ones. That being said, let's talk about what to do when your sweet thing acts like anything but.


Typical reactions and why they're wrong: 
Talking back/arguing- It never solves any problem. You may feel better for a moment, but all you've accomplished is aggravating the situation.
Crying- Sometimes this may be unavoidable, but here's a secret: When your man sees you are miserable, especially when he knows he caused it, he feels more miserable than before. You may not be able to see it because they usually demonstrate miserable differently than we do, but it is true. So, if you must cry in these situations, don't do it in front of him.
Discussing- Most men need time to cool down or refocus before they can talk about the conflict. If you start trying to talk it out too quickly you may cause him to become  more agitated.
Silent Treatment- While a little bit of quiet time may be beneficial, shutting your man out completely is, let's face it, childish. You're going to frustrate and alienate with this tactic.
Complaining- Telling other girls about "how unbearable he is" is counterproductive. Don't badmouth your husband. Ever. It's a sin. PERIOD


Positive reactions and how they help: 
Pray- Pray for your husband selflessly and your pain and anger melt away. (This is true when you pray for anyone, by the way.) Pray for him because he needs it and because you do.
Get some space- Take a walk, a bath, or a nap. Clean something. Write, paint, or play music. Exercise. Do whatever you can do to work off your frustration and give your man room to breathe.
Have the discussion with yourself- Sometimes writing down or saying to yourself what you want to say him helps you filter. It gives you a chance to hear what it is that you're saying. Furthermore, it gives you  an opportunity to think about what you're implying.
Wait until he is ready to talk- Hard as it may be, you need to wait for him to initiate the conversation. Now, if time has passed and he is clearly trying to pretend it didn't happen, carefully decide whether to bring it up or let it go. It may be better to wait until another time to talk to him about this behavior in general terms. (i.e. Instead of "You were really mean to me last night." try "I feel ____ when you __.")
Enlist support. Have one or two strong Christian women who pray for you and your marriage all of the time. That way, when you have a situation, you can call them up and say 'I need you to pray for me' without the need to go into the gory details. See, it's okay and good to talk to another woman about your concerns and struggles, but it's terrible to only ever talk about your husband's faults, and it's rotten to spill the private details of your marriage relationship.

Questions and protests welcome. Hope this edifies you.

Matrimony

A visit to my hometown this weekend afforded me a great conversation with some family members about marriage. One cousin, who will be getting married soon, was sharing a piece of "my best advice" someone had given him, so I told him what I thought. I've mentioned it before: Have mercy. It got me to thinking... most of the best wisdom for marriage can be said in very few words. So, here it is... all of my best advice for marriage, in small, easy to chew, bite-sized morsels (and longer, more thorough explanations of those simple words.) After all, what people remember about Martin Luther King's speech is that he had a dream, but there were fifteen hundred seventy-five other words in that speech that described his thinking.

Before you hear this advice, though, there is one principle you have to accept. You can only control you. What others are doing doesn't control whether or not you follow good instruction and make wise choices. Do your part.

1. Respect your husband. It's the number one commandment for wives. As such, it's undeniably a good idea. This means that you show him respect in your home, speak respectfully about him, and help to make him respected among your community. You don't say, "Yes dear" with rolled eyes or argue with him. You allow him to be the head of your home. Respected men are happy men.

2. Be merciful. See previous post: It's all in your head. 

3. Communicate. Matt and I have never really fought. That's not to say that we never get irritated with each other or disagree. We just never fight. We get over our disagreements pretty quickly, and we agree that the reason is our good communication. We say what we're feeling. We don't say what "You" are doing. We just say exactly how we feel and why. We don't walk away or try to win. We communicate.

4. Meet his needs. It's your job as a wife to be a helper and to take care of your husband's needs. If you aren't meeting them, he will do one of two things: A) Become bitter.  B) Look for someone else to meet them. This doesn't just mean being in the bedroom. Pay attention to your husband, identify what is important to him and what your role is, and see to it that you are doing all you can. Recreation is one area we women tend to over look...Whether he likes playing sports or watching TV, determine whether he wants space to do it or wants you there with him, and follow through. I recommend the book His Needs Her Needs for an in depth understanding of this concept. The book isn't flawless, but it is built on a really great concept.


5. Be committed. That's what marriage is. A choice to be with someone through the good and the bad. Don't give up. It's work sometimes. You can never say the marriage didn't work out, only We quit working on it.

Homework for next time: Proverbs 31- The Wife of Noble Character

Question: What's the best advice you've been given or would give regarding marriage?